


You need a big god, big enough to fill you up

by Akiko_kitsune



Series: Sick of losing soulmates [3]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Coma, First Time, Gay Sex, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Attempt, Insomnia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-08-27 20:59:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16709941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: Broken by the war Takasugi is thrown once again in the middle of the conflict, this time he made himself a resolution not to get close to anyone. There is one exception to it - Bansai.





	You need a big god, big enough to fill you up

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Fic contains implied suicidal attempts and some darker thoughts (which are kind of usual for Takasugi and Bansai)
> 
> And with this optimistic accent, I start the third part of my insane series. This time Takasugi's relationship with Bansai, things get more sensual than in previous parts of the series and, well, canonical amount of angst, so in their case - tons of it. Sorry, I didn't try to save Bansai, but I tried once again explain (mostly to myself) why it happened.
> 
> The title is a line from "Big God" by Florence and the Machine

Takasugi got hurt. And there was no one to help him. It was his own fault. Gintoki ran away from them as soon as he could, but Zura stayed, but whenever he tried to speak, Takasugi snapped. 

  
So he ran away from everything too.  
  
It was a bad decision. But did it matter? They lost the war. They failed to save Shouyou. There was no more sense in this world.  
  
Takasugi wandered without a cause.  
  
Without Shouyou everything lost meaning.  
  
From time to time his heart moved him to do something, to say something. He still unleashed his sword and fought. Even if his hands were weak and trembling, even if he wanted to sink the blade in something else than enemy’s flesh. But it wasn’t bad either.  
  
There was one girl. He saw many people like her, wanting revenge, change, any justice in this world. People wanting his help, his leadership. He told her off and the next day, he saw her on her execution. He shouldn't have spoken to her. He poisoned everything around him.  
  
“It should be you tied up there. Not her,” he heard from aside.  
  
There was a man standing next to him. Takasugi recalled who he was. Kawakami Bansai. The manslayer. One m ore remnant of t he war.  
  
He was right. Takasugi deserved an execution like this. But what that man said didn’t sound like a threat. It sounded as if he as daring him to take an action. It would lead both of them into a trap, but at that point, Takasugi didn’t actually mind it. He took up the challenge. Again, his barely beating heart pushed him to do something. To fight that one more time. So he fought. He took a chance to save the girl. Whatever was going to happen after.

* * *

  
If there were any gods left in this world, one of them kept an eye on Takasugi. But it wasn’t something he could thank for, rather something he cursed each night of his life. He wasn’t allowed to die at that time. He didn’t even spend a long time in prison, getting released from it in a few hours.  
  
Maybe there was still something for him to do.  
  
At least again some people had believed in him.  
  
Takasugi let himself get drag into someone's else wars. He was already torn to shreds and living like a ghost. Was there anything worse than that?  
  
Though, he refrained from testing his theory. He went back to what always worked best - not letting people get close to him. So it wouldn’t hurt so much to lose them, to let them down, to fail. So he became distant and cold. In some case like that girl, even avoidant. He was already pulling them towards death, there was no way to sweeten it.  
  
There was only one exception from this treatment - his relation with Bansai. There was always something strange about it. It didn’t start as a typical commander-subordinate and after it only grew more unusual.  
  
It was strange how easy it was for Takasugi to let him get close. Bansai slipped through any barrier he formed through his life. And he just was there. He rarely spoke, usually listened to commands. Takasugi wouldn’t give him more attention, but the fact that he was where Takasugi thought no one would be any more, always kept him itching. There was something more in all this. And one-day Takasugi got bored enough to tease it.  
  
“You always keep staring at me.”  
  
“I apologize.” Bansai immediately lowered his eyes.  
  
It wasn’t an actual problem. Takasugi knew that people found him attractive. Both men and women. He had no problem with people looking at him.  
  
He came closer to Bansai. He took his glasses off to know what his eyes would follow. The man looked up at him. He couldn’t help it.  
  
“So you enjoy looking at me, huh?”  
  
“I do,” he answered unsure if such boldness would be forgiven.  
  
Takasugi watched him thinking about fewer things than usual. It was only a matter of how pitiful he became, if he got so low to do what was going on his mind. It was only a simple profit and loss account. To which he knew the outcome too well. He was only weak, broken, lonesome man. If there was someone looking at him with such admiration, would he refrain from melting in it?  
  
"Do you want to hold me?"  
  
Takasugi was a pitiful man. But the way Bansai was looking at him didn't change. It surprised him. But when the meaning of these words came to him, his gaze expressed even more admiration. Like before he was doing all he could not to let it show and now he didn't have to suppress it any longer.  
  
Some people were blessed with blindness.  
  
"It would be the greatest honour..." His hand went up Takasugi's body to embrace him. His grip tightened. He pulled him a bit closer. There was no resistance from Takasugi side.  
  
Maybe a slight irritation it was taking him so long to move forward.  
  
Bansai kissed him. He let his hands wander warming a body that never experienced this kind of touch. Takasugi just took it. Everything. It would be easier if he took him forcefully. If Takasugi had to grit his teeth and bear it.  
  
Yet again, someone was so gentle for him. Treating him like he was valuable and special.  
  
Why had Bansai accepted something like him? Something so broken that it could never be used again? So after it, he asked him. "You don't mind that I'm broken?"  
  
"We're all broken, Shinsuke…”  
  
Takasugi chuckled. Right. He should be so egoistic. Everything was broken to pieces in this world, there was nothing left. What else could he expect? In the world without Shouyou, everything was distorted.  
  
In the world without Shouyou…  
  
If he could only crush such a world. It didn't have any value anyways.  
  
“You’ve lost someone,” Bansai said slowly trying not to anger his commander with the wrong guess.  
  
“We’ve all lost someone,” Takasugi mocked Bansai’s slow speaking.  
  
“Someone important.”  
  
“Maybe.” Takasugi moved from the futon. He didn’t want to stay here any longer. “You’re my first partner. Be proud. The other guy didn’t have the courage to make it.”  
  
“And the one you loved?”  
  
Why did he ask about it? Was it that obvious Takasugi hadn't even reached the person he loved? Could people see how pitiful he was?  
  
“I was a kid back then. It wouldn’t work out. I didn’t dare to try.”  
  
“But you dared me?”  
  
_Cut it off._  
  
Bansai had already learnt to back off at one harsher Takasugi’s gaze. Second would be followed by the blade. Bansai knew better than to challenge as skilled swordsman as him.  
  
“So I’m first to see you like that?” Bansai hummed changing the mood.  
  
He still looked at Takasugi with such admiration. Even if he’d just learn how pitiful man his commander was.  
  
Takasugi went out. He couldn't stand it.  
  
It wasn't a one-time thing. They spent a lot of night together during all these years they spent as Kiheitai. Bansai didn’t ask much. It was the best in him. They both kept most of the things for themselves. It was good. And at the same time, it was bad.

* * *

  
In all his modesty Bansai could still tell he had a good ear for music and a good taste too if he dared to say that much. Rock and metal interested him the most. Choosing from more traditional then he would say the sharp shamisen sounds. He used to play it, but it was nowhere near how Takasugi played it. He could make its tunes softer, nostalgic. Matako often fell asleep listening to it. Bansai took her then into his arms and brought her to her cabin. When he came back to Takasugi, he wouldn't let him play any longer. He would press on him with his kisses, he would take him into his arms with no intention of ever letting him go.  
  
Takasugi let him do it. Shamisen took its tune from his loneliness.  
  
Bansai's favourite melody was filling his whole cabin with moaning and whimpering of his commander. He knew how to push him to this state. How to stop him for a moment from thinking. How to ease his mind. How to make him sing.  
  
But Bansai could never reach his heart.  
  
It was alright. If only he could ease his pain a bit, it was enough. At least he kept saying himself this.

* * *

  
There were always days when he could do nothing than watch. Bansai often stayed up late in the night composing music, but he woke up late too. Takasugi never slept. Some nights were filled with soft shamisen sounds, some with muffled cries which they all pretend not to hear. Others were completely silent. Takasugi could walk around soundlessly like a cat. Belonging to no one and having nowhere to go.  
  
That was why any usual noise brought up Bansai’s distress.  
  
Something crushed and shattered. Only this one sequence of sounds. Accompanied by silence before and after them.  
  
Bansai rushed to the source of it. Soon he saw a light from left open bathroom doors. Bansai slowed down. He walked passed shattered bottle and a wet spot on the wall from its crush. It didn't matter. The floor was wet too, but this liquid didn't impress someone like him.  
  
Takasugi stood in the bathroom bandaging his wrist. He looked sharply at the intruder and looked down again. "Don't act like it's the first time you noticed."  
  
Bansai knew. He embraced him enough of times to learn every detail of his body.  
  
“We have to figure out some better plan. We have to do anything,” he heard Takasugi murmuring.to himself.  
  
“It's late. Try to sleep."  
  
"You know I never sleep," he turned to Bansai and looked at him. One of his cheeks was turning blue. It stood out on his pale skin. Who dared to hurt him?  
  
“Did anything happen today?”  
  
Takasugi leaned on the door frame. “I've met someone I knew.”  
  
“And you tried to kill the shogun all alone during the festival.”  
  
“You don't meet your old friend without some fireworks, do you?” Takasugi smirked.  
  
“He didn't like them, I suppose.”  
  
“He doesn't like anything…” Takasugi sighed and leaned at the doorframe. “Every time I meet him, I feel how weak and pathetic I am… I have to figure out some better plan.”  
  
“We have a plan.”  
  
“We need something more. Anything,” Takasugi murmured and got lost in thoughts. Bansai could tell that he was going dark again. Yet, he didn't know to help him to fight it.  
  
"Do you want me to stay with you?" he asked.  
  
Takasugi chuckles. "So you will kill the monsters under my bed?"  
  
If only Takasugi let him, Bansai would fight off anything. But he was always keeping him away.  
  
And it was becoming harder to fight if monsters from under your bed had got into your head.

* * *

  
Takasugi threw himself into work. Into finding some other plan if the one they had chosen, failed. At least Bansai saw him less on the bathroom floor.  
  
During their years together he had seen many types of Takasugi's worst days. He learnt all the faces of his madness and his sadness. However, he still didn’t understand it. One day, Takasugi was stable. He was calm and rational. In other circumstances, Bansai would call it a good day. Yet, what Takasugi said sounded exactly like what he kept saying when he was on his lowest: "Maybe he hadn't died."  
  
Bansai didn’t need to ask who he was referring to. His voice sounded like this only what he was talking about the man he used to love or maybe he was still in love with.  
  
“But if he’s still alive…” Takasugi continued. “He may not be himself anymore. We might have to kill him.”  
  
“Is there any evidence that he might…?”  
  
“Some rumours.”  
  
Rumours. So there really was a possibility that the one Takasugi loved was still around. Despite all Bansai couldn’t help feeling a bit of jealousy. His face didn’t show any of those thoughts. He only said: “I’ll be by your side. No matter what might happen.”  
  
If he could support Takasugi, even a bit, then it was more than enough. The whole time he was ready to sacrifice his life for this man. He fell for him so badly that he couldn’t help it now. But it was okay. It felt right. He was serving the cause. Staying by the side of this man was his bushido. His way of being.  
  
“Bansai...  Make me forget about it. I don’t want to think about it now.”  
  
No one from the crew dared to ask why they heard their commander’s screams for the whole night.

* * *

  
They got so close to the success. Under the leadership of their commander, they couldn't make any mistake. They got so high, they got burn by the sun and fell.  
  
Bansai had seen many battlefields, he had lost many comrades. Yet, when that ginger-head brought barely alive Takasugi, the world under him shattered.  
  
He failed.  
  
He failed.  
  
He failed.

* * *

  
After it, there came even worst struggles for the leaderless Kiheitai. But with these struggles, there came hope. And little by little, with help of many people who valued Takasugi, once again Kiheitai raised up. The battle on the Rakuyo was tough. But they got their commander back. It was all that mattered. After Bansai’s wounds were treated he rushed right to Takasugi’s cabin.  
  
“Shinsuke…?” he knocked first. A part of him was too afraid there would be no answer.  
  
“You can come in,” he heard Takasugi, so he walked in slowly. His commander was sitting by the window in his usual manner no matter if the only view was endless darkness.  
  
“Is everything alright?” Bansai asked. Takasugi’s wounds were treated as first, though he wasn’t severely injured. Everything was alright now. They got him back.  
  
“It’s better than after the last time. I’m not in a coma.”  
  
Bansai came closer. He touched bandage on Takasugi's cheeks. He knew he shouldn’t. Takasugi didn’t protest.  
  
“I’ll heal. As always.”  
  
“I know. I don’t like seeing you hurt.”  
  
“Now you’re becoming so emotional with me? Am I looking that bad?” Takasugi chuckled.

“You’ve just woken up from a coma. You were nearly dead for the past three months…”

“And somehow I survived,” Takasugi murmured. Not with a smirk like when everything worked out his way, but rather as if he was cursing his own life.

At that moment it struck Bansai. They could have failed. It was impossible. Unless it was planned for them to fail.

“You wanted to die during Shogun's assassination?”

“I'm still alive. I'm not that good strategist after all.”

“You thought we would leave you there if things started to go wrong? You underestimated your own people to this extent?”

“My bad I couldn't calculate how bottomless is your stupidity.”

“Last few weeks, we were thinking that you died. Last few months we were thinking that you might have never woken up.”  
  
Takasugi’s expression grew serious. “So I should stay quiet and play nice? I've made you all enough problems? That’s what you’re trying to say?”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
Takasugi chuckled.  
  
Bansai was still watching at him in all his carved in stone seriousness. “I know you won’t return those feelings. I just wanted you to know.”  
  
“I wish I had your courage sometimes.”  
  
“It isn’t courage. I got sick of watching you die. I won’t stand to look at it again.”  
  
“Then stop looking at me.”  
  
“I will never stop looking at you. I will always follow you. Next time… Next time I’ll do anything to keep you safe.”  
  
“Even refusing my order?”  
  
“Maybe I’ll start to carry out my own orders.”  
  
“You want to go back to being a lone murderer?”  
  
“Never. I’ll be always your soldier.”  
  
“But you don’t want to listen to my orders.”  
  
“Only some of them.”  
  
“How would I tell if you do what I command you to?”  
  
“I’ll tell you if I decide to act on my own. Until then, I’ll be still following your orders. What do you want to…?”  
  
Right. Takasugi had to make a decision what to do next. He should leave all this mess to Gintoki and Zura. Saving the day didn’t suit him, but could they do it all alone? He could help them a little.  
  
But about that Utsuro issue...  
  
“I’m not sure what we should do now.”  
  
“No matter what you choose to, we will follow you," Bansai said. "We won’t leave you even if we have to fight the whole universe or if it leads us to a certain death.”  
  
“I should start to trust you?”  
  
“Let us follow you.”  
  
“Like I ever could stop you from it” Takasugi smirked.  
  
“So? What is your order, Shinsuke?”  
  
"Let's save the world. For now. We’ll see what will happen.”  
  
And they tried to. They made it. But there was a cost. There always is. That was how the war worked. Takasugi knew about. Only he didn’t foresee what would be a price this time. He could oppose it all he wanted, he could scream, he could try to avoid it, but the war would take. The war would always take everything from him. It would always take.  
  
Takasugi let Bansai sacrifice himself so they could save the world.  
  
Maybe it was a mistake.

**Author's Note:**

> Come and yell at me in comments or on twitter (@AkikoKitsune)
> 
> Fourth and the last part will be published soon, probably next week. It will come back to the relationship between Takasugi and Shouyou


End file.
